Saturday, September 10, 2011

Color of blood and taste of tears....

Have you ever felt that numbness in yourself..When no matter how hard you try to feel the pain, your whole system goes in a shutdown mode.. ?
As i look at my scarred knuckles and wrist, i am reminded of those days that gave me these scars... Perhaps the wound in the heart will heal eventually..But these scars will always remind me of the deep dark color of blood..,a bitter saltiness that used to erupt from the heart and find it's way through the eyes...And reminds me of Gaatha...

There used to be a place by the riverside.. A cafe of sort..And as the dusk approach, it used to be swarmed by the young crowd and the whole atmosphere used to be full of that cool evening river breeze..and loads and loads of gossips... Being of the same town and being a regular, we..Which includes me and a bunch of my friends had a special place in the cafe.. Where we all would sit together sipping lazy evening coffee.. Trying to deafen the chaotic river roar by our dynamic chats on girls..Sex..Nirvana..Music.. To cut it short; everything that exists under the sky...
Our group was made up of four of us...
Me.... About whom it isn't much necessary to explain right now..

Vishnu.. The geek..Who used to be influenced so easily by anybody and anything that he'd always end up repeating the last line he had heard from anybody..

Dev.. The jolly.. Full of humor and wisdom..

And finally....
Whom most of my story would be about...

Gaatha...
The quadriocular..

One day, when dev jokingly suggested me and her as the possible couple in her absence..,
I said with a jump.."Gaatha ? Come-on dude ! My dick won't get a hard on even if i see her naked.."

Such was my personal views of her....


It was one of the regular evenings... Dev and Vishnu were out of the town for a day.. And me,forced by the old habit of mine.. Couldn't resist the tempt of having a couple of cups of coffee.. And so, was heading to the cafe on my own...
Lost in my thoughts as i was walking, a sharp ringing sound startled me.. It was Gaatha.. In her bicycle..
Her spectacled eyes looked bigger than usual as she raised them and asked..., "hey ! To the cafe..?".."want a ride..?"

"No thanks !"..I said..
For how could i just sit back and let a girl drive me.. It'd certainly be a bruise to my male ego...
"All fine then.. Let's walk together"..She said as she jumped off her bicycle..
"fuck.. !" i cursed her silently for disturbing my romantic company with me myself...

Would she ever stop speaking.. !
How much i hated the whole walk..
Some philosopher has said how words too are garbage and a nonstop speaker is piling his dirt upon your unspoilt conscience.. I'd feel the same happening to me at that moment..
Here this girl was going all blah blah and all I'd do was swear on my own..
Finally we reached the river..
And by the way everybody was looking at us, i was sure what elegant broth of fantasy they were cooking in their mind.. And this ! I hated the most... !!
"aren't dev and vishnu around ?" she asked me as we headed towards our regular spot... "No,they won't be around today".. I replied..
"then let's go for a walk on the sands.." She demanded...
Reluctantly i bought two coffee flavored ice cream cones.. And left the cafe with her..

I had always loved this town.. Here, is where somebody would love to build a place of their own..fill it with love and memories and call it proudly their home..
And this river..
With infinite mood of hers.., She was a fine fusion of what nanak has called his clan.. Sikhs and kaurs..
The river indeed was a fusion of a lion and a princess..

As we walked on the cool evening sand..,
licking our cones,
gently the river breeze would blow and bring memories and dreams and love from distant lands which perhaps lovers sent for their faraway beloveds...
And what was this musky fragrance..?
I took a deep drag to fill in my lungs with the fragrance..
And what i saw next was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen..
As the breeze gently blew, it was swaying with Gaatha's curls.. And the result of this lovemaking was this musky fragrance...
Walls that had covered my heart were slowly melting by a strange warmth that enveloped my heart... Everything seemed strangely beautiful this evening..
Was it the river.. Was it the dusk..
Or more strangely
was it Gaatha.. ?
This last thought gave a sudden chill on my body which could be translated nearly as a mixture of fear,guilt and astonishment...
And there she was...Walking together...Unaware of my turmoils...Chattering non stop..

The dusk was maturing into a deeper shade of dark..
We'd walked a far way..
"Gaatha, shouldn't we return?'
"Ummm ? Oh.. Yes ! We should.."she replied...
And then we were on our way back.. I followed her as if in a trance to the cafe where she had kept her bicycle...
God knows what was happening to me at that evening.. My much treasured male ego gave in this time...
A silent evening, a girl was giving me a ride in her bicycle to our way back home...

The next evening, all four of us were gathered as usual in the cafe...
Nothing seemed unusual.. Vishnu was ön his usual stupidity..Being influenced too easily by everything and everybody.. Dev, his jovial self..
I was trying to hum the beatles 'when my guitar gently weeps' on my guitar... Gaatha suddenly interrupted my flow...
"The melody lack higher octaves..Like all beatles song do.. And it makes them non passionate.."

"screw you !"..I thought.."who she thinks she is.. !! What's her authority to comment about the beatles this way..".. After all, i'd loved the beatles since i was a child..And so did the whole world...
That evening ended this way..
And what happened to me later at that night is what i call a mystery of the human mind...

That night I was shuffling my ipod as i rested lazily in my bed after dinner...
It was playing 'strawberry fields by the beatles'.. A song that's always been my best..
A song that George Harrison composed after years of spiritual searching around India.. A song where he experimented with sitar that he learnt from the legendary ravi shankar..
But,
why couldn't the song give me high tonight as it always used to ?
I clicked for the next beatles song..
'norweigian woods'...
Neither this could hold my patience..
Something was wrong..
Something these beatles song seemed to be lacking..
What was it..?
I tried hard to scan my mind for the right word...
PASSION !
They were lacking passion !!

What ?
FUCK !
FUCK !!
FUCK !!!

Was my mind under control ?
How could it be?
I had loved beatles all my life until now !

'O god ! O fucking God !! What's happened to me'... I cursed both myself and God for this..

The next day,
it was a holiday..
Saturday perhaps..
I was sitting quietly in my room..Looking nostalzicly out of the window...
The way one see out of window has always facinated me..
What we are, are a package of confinement..Shut up within walls our limitations..,various moral social bondages.. And window is the symbol of possibility.. Through which one'd get a glimpse of far..Far away eternity that he'd be.. Or his life could be..
So, as i was watching out of the window, i saw a tiny dot approaching towards my house..And it grew as it came nearer..
Finally as i could make what it was,
it took the form of Gaatha in her bicycle..
Here i was trying to avoid the devil..
And it came pursuing me..
I could hear her bicycle being parked..
I could here her footsteps approaching my room..
I had to turn around to greet her which i did lazily...

"Surprise"..
She said..
And indeed
I was surprised..
For today she wasn't the tomboyish hoodlum Gaatha..
She was dressed in pink kurti that made her body look like it's carved with perfection...
'I've got two theater tickets ..Thought you'd be free.. Since Dev and vishnu are away, let's go'..
She demanded..
I grabbed my jacket and leaving her bicycle where it was,
we headed to the theater..
She had an umbrella in her hand..
I teased her for being 'not so cool'
She defended.."Shut up ! It's mid July.. How can you expect it wouldn't rain.. ? Is it 'cool' to get drenched rather carry an umbrella?"...
'I'm a guy.. People'll laugh at me if they see me walking with an umbrella.." stammering, i tried protecting my male ego...
"male pig".. She laughed her usual high pitched embarrassing laughter..

As if heaven was with her,
It suddenly became dark on our way back.. And those wild monsoon clouds started dripping with all their might.
"see?What'd i told..Now what'd you do Mr. Cool?"..She boasted and mocked as she opened her umbrella and demanded me to come under it's shade...
It was not umbrella but an umbrellate..Too small to protect us from that hell of a downpour..
We both were soaked..drenched to be true..
A strange smell was evaporating from her body that was making my heart beat gallop rein less..
I couldn't control this tempting toxicity..
Now was my turn to demand her to wait at some place until the rain stops..
She agreed to it..
We waited under a shade until the rain stopped.. And after that, silently we walked until it was time for us to part for our homes..
"I'll come tomorrow for the bicycle.." she said before she left...
I nodded in silence..

My heart was still racing as i went home..Dusk was approaching..And as i tried to shut myself completely,a revolution in the form of intensified longing was increasing within me.. I felt feverish..
My body was burning...
Stars were floating around my eyes and my head was whirling.. At times,all these stars would combine to form an image .. I tried hard to not focus on whose the image was..
I couldn't..
It was hers...
Gaatha's...
The night now seemed to be holding my breathe...
"This isn't the last night of my life..How long'll i hold myself?".. I thought..
And then resolved to get rid of this painful holding as soon as the night ends the next morning...
Only then i could sleep that night..

I hate to tell what i did first as i woke up the next morning..
I dialled Gaatha's number and told her to meet me at our usual cafe..
She agreed to it without hesitating..

And with stupidity magnified, i kept on waiting eagerly for the evening...
The day seemed too long to pass today..
I had finished doing all stuffs which had been other time I'd laugh or mock at..
A whole bottle of perfume was sprayed.. Roses and chocolates bought.. Infinite prayers to until yesterday nonexistent god made...
Cutting me with razor of impatience,
the day finally came to an end..
And began with dusk
my patient heartbeats of hope and love...
With eyes full of dreams and moves full of dance i went to the cafe..
She arrived after four impatient cups of coffee and shouted her presence in her usual tomboyish fashion.."Hey ! Am here..Where are others ?"..
"mmm..Gaatha, let's walk" ..I requested..
'OK..But are you alright? You look like you've not eaten or slept since last century.."
Pleased at her own joke, she thundered in laughter as she followed me...

After a considerable distance's walk from the cafe, i suddenly took her hand in mine and said sheepishly..
"Gaatha, I love you.."

Hearing my confession, the color of her face changed as does the nature with change in seasons..
Her tomboyish attitude got engulfed by this change and a coy lady like voice came out of her damned mouth..
"sorry..But i love somebody else.."
Who? With a brewing bitterness in my heart i asked..
"Its vishnu.." she whispered ..
How many wounds did god want in my heart today...
Vishnu.. That jerk ?
Who copies every fucking thing from me..
My hairstyle..My dress up sense.. My habits..My words..
If she'd loved him, it was me in him that she must have loved !
With a broken heart and without daring to hear more from her, i left the place...
After reaching i don't know where, i felt a certain wetness on my face..
Was it perspiration?
Or were it tears ?

I kept on walking..With a salty lump in my throat.. That attempted to erupt all at once..
Drenched with salt of perspiration and tears i walked until i reached a building that i recognized to be my home..
Senseless i entered my room..Every fucking thing in my room seemed to be mocking at me... I picked up my guitar, held it in my hand..And banged it against the wall until it was reduced to pieces...
And then started punching on the wall with my knuckles.. A thick red fluid started to ooze from them which i later recognized to be blood.. Though there was not even a slight trace of pain in the body..
Many nights after that saw me howling..Senseless and numb..
I completely stopped going to the cafe and meeting the people i knew as friends..

I found a new place to spend my evenings..
Now, i used to climb a small hilltop every evening.. All alone..
From where i could see the whole town glow in light..
While a darkness infested my heart from within.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My eyes joined the rain...and i walked alone.....

As they fall, carrying a deep lament hiding in their bosom...secretly in a dark night,

I watch out of my window and take a gasp...

These raindrops were not always like this as they are...

Once, they used to make me think of kisses...of roses and fragrance

And of kiran.....

When i used to read romantic novels, i'd always laugh at the descriptions they had for the heroine...

you know, doe like eyes... raven like hair...petal like lips and blah blah....

I found it to be true only when the romantic novel of my life got started....

It started with Kiran... and i still remember the night it came to an end...

She and I were in the same class in the university...Literature majors...

She was a poem herself.. a mystic poem... you might now feel like laughing too..as I used to, before ...you know when...

But let me say once more...She was my 'zen thing'.. the image of a bamboo tree swaying majestically in the wind..

Our mutual interest in poetry was what got us together... and then we together became a poem...

I, perhaps the poet.. and she my verses...

I never proposed her.. never thought it was important...

Why'd the stars bother asking the sky why it's with them everynight... and keep waiting until the next...

Why... I was never much considered on finding answers and reasons...

Why do the flowers bloom..

Why do the sun shine....

Alas !!

I'd have never thought so.... !!

By and by, we grew up in trust... I was even welcome in their home and i was treated as a part of family ...

Her parents would have no questions when we're out together...

And for that i was being used.. which i only knew much later....

One cloudy evening,as I was walking along the street..., A fancy car stopped near me...

'Hi PG.."... she exclaimed...

Of course, Kiran.. and there in the car with her, was an eldery looking gentleman whom i thought to be a distant uncle like relative of hers whom i've never met before...

For i thought i knew most of her relatives...

"Let's go, have some tea.." she requested..

And then i got in the car...

and were stopped at a five star eating place where of course i'd hesitate entering if I were alone...

The gentleman found us a nice place by the garden.. and three of us were waiting cozyly for the orders to be taken..

"PG.."..., Said kiran... "I've something to tell you..."

It wasn't in one of those cheerful tones which Kiran used with me..,

Hence i was much attentive...

"He, is Pratap..."..

And then what continued after that has settled as a trauma in my heart and perhaps shall never leave me until i'm dead...

"He and I are in love... and want to be married... He's diabetic and twice in age than me.. and that's why my parents don't want he and I to get together.."

"I'm sorry to tell you, but I've used you as an excuse in my home to go out and meet him.. for my parents never mind if i say i'm going with you..."

"hope you won't mind.. will you.."..?

What'd you say if you were there instead of me..?

It grew dark all of a sudden... and started to rain...

I reached my pockets, took out all the money from there .. put it on the table...

A husky croak came out of my mouth... "please pay the bill with this.."

And what i remember next is me walking in the street as it was raining heavily...

I was completely wet..

My eyes were even more..

Perhaps


Thursday, July 28, 2011

I miss when....

Just found #imisswhen as TT in twitter.. penned something in minutes and made it as my first post here.. have a look..



 #imisswhen i was there all alone.. sitting in the terrace.. bathing in the moon.. dissolving with the music.. and exploring the world, my way..

#imisswhen i was a kid and everything went my way.. like.. there were people who made it work my way.. Now, why i've grown up? and why do i hate kids?? maybe bcoz i can't be like them anymore..

#imisswhen i was the last soul to be awaken in such a splendid night..

#imisswhen i could see my personal cemetery..when twas for a moment i'd buy some sleep..

#imisswhen you used to say me 'get some sleep' and i'd reply u 'send me some'..

#imisswhen time, circumstance or whatever that kept myself away from people and yeah!!.. night was so close to me..

#imisswhen i wrote some stuff and you'd say (or) maybe you'd lie 'its the best'..

#imisswhen someone demands me to share about some precious moments and my mind would go dark.. pouring some memories.. me, my darkness and a space where u could fit in..

whatever i've taken from u, people..precisely.. from The World..

now.. here i am.. Me.. Me alone.. bonding with the immense energy of universe and marching towards the dream i am yet to pursue.. 

now.. at the origin of my career.. doing Linux..

Indebted to the world from where i took a helluva things and now.. its my turn to give out something in some form.. So, finally.. here i am.. breathing Linux..